So one of my best friends, and former college roommate, Jim, and his wife Jen, just had a baby boy. So first I would like to say congrats to them. I hate babies in general but I am extremely happy for them as they are great people. If that kid is like either one of them he is going to be awesome. Plus with the "uncles" he's going to have he has no choice but to be awesome. We will teach him the ways of the UCREW. The above picture is from some random night in the middle of the week while in college our last semester together. Jim is obviously sober in this picture and I'm being my normal awesome self and showing off the guns. I purposely picked this picture because it is unflattering to Jim (but that hat is pretty sweet). I'm a dick. Please feel free to ignore all the girls in the picture, none of them are important to the following story. The girls in the background, I can't remember their names, and I don't know why they were even at our house. They weren't part of the group. The girls in our group of friends were much better looking. The girl to my right was a friend of ours but has since fell off the face of the Earth so she is no longer important. Another picture is posted below and is much more flattering to Jim. In honor of Jim I will tell my favorite Jim story. There are many and I will roll them out whenever I'm feeling nostalgic but this one takes the cake in my opinion and shows how composed and funny Jim is.
It's my last semester of college (April 2006) and all I needed to graduate was three classes, one of which was freshmen spanish. Because of this light work load I partied my ass off and made all my friends do the same. The "It's OK we're Seniors Tour" was born. This consisted of 47 straight days of drinking on my part and this story takes place somewhere in that span of days. I will tell you more about that "tour" at a date TBD. The reason why this is important is that in freshmen spanish there are freshmen girls. There was one girl, let's call her "Tina" for anonymity purposes, who I noticed always sat next to me in class. She was cute so I would talk to her and I knew she had a crush on me. Bad move on her part. One night out at one of our favorite bars, Chubby's, I ran into her. Skipping unimportant details she wants to come home with me. Always be closing! When we go to leave she grabs a jean jacket. YES A JEAN JACKET. She also has jeans on as pants. She was not wearing this jacket the entire night. Had she been I would have made her take it off. She is now wearing a Canadian Tuxedo! I could not believe it. I am no fashion guru but this freshmen girl, as pretty as she was, needed some help. I was on a mission so I did not let this throw me off my game. She left me no choice but to text my roommates and tell them all to be in the living room to check out the tuxedo. Again I know this is a dick move on my part. We get home and just as I thought my roommates were all there with a few other friends to check out the show. Jim was in his room with his girlfriend Jen, who is now his wife, and did not see this happen. They all smile as we walk by and into my room. After I close the door they all burst into laughter. She asks what they are laughing about and I make some comment about what they were watching(obvious lie). Things go down. After we are done she goes to the bathroom, still naked. She comes back a few minutes later and says "I met your friend Jim", I laugh because she is naked but think nothing of it. She leaves the next morning. I go out to the living room and Jim tells me about his meeting with "Tina". Apparently "Tina" was on the toilet but did not lock the door. Again bad move on her part. Jim had just gotten done doing his thing with Jen and was also completely naked. He was unaware I had a visitor. He walks right into the bathroom on her. After a second of pure shock as a 6'3" 280lb naked man just busted into the room, the only thing she can come up with is, "I'm with Uli", which is a weird thing to say. Jim on the other hand doesn't leave but stands there with genitalia still flowing in the wind. His response is classic. "Oh I bet you are. I bet you had a good time tonight. I'm Jim by the way, I live here." Remember that they are both naked and have never met before. He goes back to his room and waits for her to leave the bathroom. I think this shows the legend that is Jim. He could have freaked out, covered his genitals and ran out. Instead he stands there proudly and has something witty to say. Jim might be one of the quickest tounges I've ever met. His comebacks and one liners are classic. This is a perfect example of this and I love him for providing such entertainment. Without Jim this is just another hookup story that no one cares about. Instead, like Jim, it is legendary. I miss you buddy and am very happy for you and Jen. At some point I will tell the other Jim classic, "Uli, I can't go to jail" story in which I end up handcuffed in the back of a cop car. But that's for another day....
Thoughts and comments can be emailed to thenoisepainandrain@gmail.com. Any friends who wish to contribute a story or anything else please feel free to email or call me. Respek!
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